Mercies in Disguise

This is a lot of rambling, coming from lots of directions. You may get nothing out of this, but I did. God spoke to me, and so I'm sharing. :)

Sometimes I’m scared. Ok, lots of time.

Sometimes I don’t understand why Parker loves me the way he does. Ok, lots of times.

Sometimes I think I’m not cut out to be with him. I feel like I am too high-strung and needy. Seriously. I feel like I am that crazy, annoying person. And you know what’s the worst?

When I feel it happening, yet still feel the way I do.

Or even worser, when I don’t wanna change the way I feel.

I feel like I need some one who can give me all the attention, the way I want it, when I want it.

Well guess what? That person doesn’t exist. Because the world doesn’t revolve around me. Easy to say. Hard to actually believe. Not to actually believe. But hard not to get mad when people can’t read my mind. When people don’t react or act the way I want them to. When people don’t think like me. When people don't give me the attention I think I need or deserve or want.

Especially Parker. It’s not fair to him that he gets the brunt of my anger, fears, and frustration. Why is that? Well maybe it’s because I trust him most of all. I feel most comfortable that I can do anything, and he will still love me.

Remind you of something? You think that’s why God created earthly love/marriage? To be a reflection of the way He loves us? Perfectly, completely. Of course His is perfect, much better than Parker’s, (sorry babe).

You know that song by Laura Story, “Blessings”? Well look it up right now. Life changing if you let it. Here are the lyrics.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Wow. As I listen to this song as I write this, I’m just struck, again. God is so good. Even when we are not. Even and ALWAYS when we don’t understand.

Everything that I am longing for, God has given me the opportunity to have. Maybe not in the ways I would have picked, but that just means it’s not up to par with what God has planned.

A quote from the movie Evan Almighty that I just love, is when Morgan Freeman, playing the part of God, is talking to the mom. She prayed for the family to grow closer together.

“God” said to her, “Do you think you will just be given a closer family? Or the opportunity to grow closer together?”

 ….let's just think about and apply that for a minute, shall we...

(I say that to people when giving advice, I guess it would be nice if I could listen to myself more often.)

And you know what? That part in the movie, the family had to choose to stay together in a very hard time. But the mom knew if she chose to stay, they would indeed grow closer together.

What do I pray for? Long for? Want more than anything else here on this earth and disappointed when I don’t get it exactly when and how and to the degree I want it? You ever just feel like you are never satisfied enough of what you truly want here?

“...Yet you love us way to much to give us lesser things.//

//…is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy” <3

Verses that pertain to me and this entry right now:

"Love is patient..." 1 Cor. 13:4(wonder why it starts with patience…)

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
   come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
   without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
   It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
   and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
...This will be for the LORD’s renown,
   for an everlasting sign,
   that will endure forever.” Isaiah 55:8-13

End Note: Parker is wonderful. Don't think this came from him doing something, cause it didn't. It came from me and my crazy neediness. :)

Seriously, listen to that song right now. I think I have listened to it like 6 times while I have been writing this.

I don't wanna go through the motions...

 Things on my heart on 8/17

Well. Where to begin? A week from now I will be in my new apartment, about to start my Junior Year of college. Yea, I don’t know where the time went. I can’t even begin to describe everything that happened this summer: so much, it seems etched into me besides something like “oh yea, I went to Romania for a month this summer.” Every day becomes a part of me, I can’t seem to separate things. Anywho, getting off subject. Just thinking about the future, as my future unfolds every day. Last night, I had an amazing talk with Candy. I have never had a talk like that with her, and I feel so much closer to her and more comfortable with her. In short, I just adored last night. She asked me what I really wanted to do. Not what other people said. But me. What am I passionate about? Gah. You know the saying and the feeling “practice what you preach?” I feel like I am the worst at it. I feel like I am so good with empathizing with others, yet I can’t get myself to follow my own advice. So, what am I passionate about? First and foremost, spreading Jesus and the Good News and grace He will give to those who believe and follow. If I truly believe in an all-powerful God, who created the universe and everything in it, why would I not be passionate about such an omnipotent being? If I truly believe that Jesus, came to earth and did what He said He did, and that He Alone is the only way to have life everlasting, why would I not want my life mission to be telling others this? It makes no sense to me that the most we get is a mean of 85 years on this life. Boom. Then it’s over. No, that doesn’t seem right to me, and I don’t believe that’s it for a minute. Everything is too precise for that to be all. Like the earth being exactly in the right spot from the sun, any different and we die. And the way we recreate. How babies are created from two cells, and the life cycle we live. No way is that all there is to life. So, I believe this, and I wanna share it. That is my passion.

This world we live in, though, makes me feel like it’s not good enough. “Don’t you wanna be famous? Don’t you want to start a business? Don’t you want to make one grand a year? You have the talents to do it, don’t you want that nice life?” Sound familiar?

You know what, if I believe that faith and grace from Jesus Christ is the only way to obtain eternal life, and the only way to escape existence without God, which is indeed hell(oh my gosh, I said the H word), then I don’t think it matters if I have a 60 inch tv. I don’t think it matters if I get all of the clothes I think are pretty, which believe me, there is a lot. I think the only thing that matters is that I am telling as many people as I can about my loving God and Savior. Can I get an Amen?

Then the question comes up: what if something happens and you have to provide for your family? What a haunting question. So in other words, what is the REAL job you should have as a “back-up” if you need more money than Jesus-preaching brings. Well, this has led me to an interest in psychology. I love people. I do. I think many are stupid. I even think I am stupid a lot of the time. But I love listening to people and emphasizing with them and helping them see the good in their situations and life. I like to make things better for others.

Forever I flipped back and forth between what major to choose. Bible? Missions? Psychology? Family Studies? Business? I really do like taking other classes besides “core classes” seeing as that’s all I have taken since kindergarten. I think I could be good at family studies/psych. And other things have pointed me in that direction. So that’s what I chose.

Yet I still flip-flop in my mind. What can I actually do with a Bible major? I want to learn all I can about God’s word. I do. But I also don’t want to work just with churched people (see what I am passionate about above). So, talking with Candy last night, at the beginning of the conversation, she said, “you do what you are passionate about.” Well the first thing that came into my mind was “crap, I should switch majors. Ughhhhh” but the more I thought about it last night AND now, I think I want to go for psych/family studies. It’s something new and it can train me with how to work with different kinds of people, so I can work with them and relate to them. I might NOT go to grad school and become a counselor. In fact, I’m pretty sure I wont right after I graduate. (But hey, don’t quote me cause I haven’t spent time and prayer on that one). I would LOVE working with a non-profit organization. And if I ever felt led to be a counselor, I would have the tools and the background to pursue that.

You know what else I’m passionate about. Love. Absolutely drives me to the core. Call me a hopeless romantic, I am. Call me ridiculous and a believer in fairy tales, I am. But I am obsessed with love. I’m obsessed with the love God has given me, Parker Havens. What do I want in life? I want to get married. I seriously can.not.wait. Ugh. I want it so badly. I want it for the cheesy reasons. I want it for the real reasons: like making a budget together, going through loss together, fighting together, loving together, laughing together, always always always saying “I love you” before bed. I know there will be hard times. I know. Fight for it. Go to counseling. But always say that you love them, and mean it. You don’t have to like them. Remember you said, “until death do us part.” That’s a promise to me, and I hold that promise in my heart and soul. Because once you have love, don’t ever ever EVER water it down. Ever. Always. Be my 70-something year old grandparents who kiss each other hello AND goodbye when one leaves for the store. Hold hands when you are 80 walking into walmart. One time, I saw a couple park in the handicap spot at Ihop. An old man got out, walked very slowly to the passenger side, and then proceeded to help his wife, who was bent over and used a walker(she I guess had a bad back) and walk at the pace of a TURTLE into the restaurant. I died. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen. That is love. That is what I want. That is what I will have. Don’t settle for anything less.

Going along with all that lovey dovey stuff,  I love weddings. Everything about them. I love pictures. I don’t know if I could actually be good at that stuff, but I love looking at it and hopefully I can try it someday soon. I would seriously be so happy working in David’s Bridal or Kleinfeld’s. Seriously. So. Happy.

So those are my passions. I have always believed that people should go for their dreams, but only if they are in accordance with God’s plan for you. I am so thankful that He is in charge and I am not, and that everybody has a particular job and I don’t have to be responsible for all of them. Just mine.

That's all for my first post. :)

Inspiration:

¹⁸ But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. ¹⁹ If they were all one part, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts, but one body. 1 Corinthians 12;18-19

¹⁴ How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? ¹⁵ And how can anyone preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!” Romans 10:14-15

⁹ In their hearts humans plan their course,
   but the LORD establishes their steps. Proverbs 16:9

²¹ Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
   but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

¹¹ For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. ¹² It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, ¹³ while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, ¹⁴ who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. Titus 2:11-14

³ Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. ⁴ Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, ⁵ to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:3-5

…when I found the one my heart loves.” Song of Solomon 3:4

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20